Villain Hiring: Help! Author Wants Me Dead

Noah blinked.

His glazed-over eyes cleared, his body swayed slightly as if he had just woken up from a nap and had no idea where the hell he was.

A single thought ran through my head.

Oh, fuck.

He was back.

The real Noah. The one who wasn't a feral, flesh-eating edgelord.

The boy stared at the scene in front of him—at the piles of armor and bones, at the horrified assassins, at the silence that had taken over the room like a funeral.

Then, in the softest, most stupidly confused voice, he said:

"Uh… what happened?"

Oh, for fuck's sake.

I felt like screaming.

No, actually, I felt like throwing myself off a cliff.

How the hell was I supposed to explain to this dumbass that he just went feral and melted people down to their skeletons?!

This wasn't just a "Hey, you blacked out and punched a guy" situation.

No.

He had lost his damn mind, turned into some eldritch nightmare, and gone on a devouring spree.

And now?

Now he was standing there innocently, blinking at the corpses like a clueless toddler trying to understand where the hell his cookies had gone.

I felt a headache forming.

"Uh, Damien?" Noah called again, his voice hesitant as he saw all the gore and felt his phobia kicking in. "I don't… feel so good."

Yeah, no shit, dumbass. You just let an unholy monstrosity take over your body.

I took a deep breath.

This was fine.

I could work with this.

I just had to—

SHIT.

Before I could even think, something shifted in the air.

A presence.

Something divine.

And just like that—

They arrived.

Golden light cracked into existence, the air trembled, and the gods descended.

I felt like crying.

NOT NOW, YOU CELESTIAL ASSHOLES!

Noah flinched at the sudden shift in the atmosphere, his instincts kicking in. "What the hell—?"

"OI, KID, LISTEN TO ME," I snapped into his head, desperate to stop what was about to happen. "Don't freak out!"

"Freak out about what?!"

FUCK.

My non-existent soul wanted to shrivel up and die.

The gods were here, which meant they were about to tell him everything.

They were about to expose the fact that he had gone full psycho mode.

I had exactly five seconds before Noah realized the truth.

So I did what any rational, logical, completely normal system would do.

I lied.

Step One: Confuse the Dumbass

"Noah," I said quickly, my voice firm. "You blacked out."

He tensed. "What do you mean?"

I mentally slapped myself.

ACT NORMAL, DAMIEN.

"You, uh…" I searched for words. "You were about to consume that lady's soul, right?"

His brows furrowed. "Yeah…?"

"Well, turns out your physique wasn't ready for that yet," I said, forcing a casual tone. "Gluttony kinda overpowered you instead."

Noah froze.

I pushed forward.

"You went berserk. It's a side effect of your physique," I continued smoothly, keeping my tone calm. "You just… lost control for a bit. It happens."

His throat bobbed as he swallowed. "I… don't remember anything."

BINGO.

"Exactly," I said. "That's how berserker classes work. You tap into a different mindset—one that's purely instinctual. And when you come out of it, you don't remember shit."

Noah stared at me, his expression a mix of concern and suspicion.

I felt sweat that didn't exist drip down my back.

"Wait," he said slowly, "but I don't have a berserker class."

Step Two: Bullshit Harder.

"Actually," I coughed, "you do. It's a half-berserker class. Because of your physique. Your fighting style is a mix of strategy and instinct, remember? Sometimes, the instinct takes over."

He didn't look convinced.

"I've never heard of that before."

"Oh, really? And how many people have your physique?" I shot back. "You think there's a damn Wikipedia page on your condition? You think this is some normal Hero Academy 101 shit?!"

Noah hesitated.

I pounced on that hesitation.

Step Three: Shut the Dumbass Up

"Listen, you can ask the gods later," I said quickly. "But for now, you should mute system notifications."

His brows scrunched together. "Why?"

FUCK.

Think, Damien. Think.

I went for the ultimate excuse:

"They're just gonna spam you with useless information right now," I said smoothly. "We just had a big fight, and trust me, your brain does not need an essay on what happened."

He still didn't look sure.

So I hit him with the big guns.

"You have a headache, don't you?" I pressed.

His eyes widened slightly.

He did.

It was subtle, but I could feel it through our connection—the slight pressure in his skull, the exhaustion creeping up his spine.

I went for the final push.

"You need time to process, Noah," I said, my voice softer. "You just woke up from a berserker state. Give yourself a moment. Mute the notifications. You can check them later when you're not feeling like crap."

A beat of silence.

Then—

"...Fine."

I almost screamed in victory.

Step Four: Damage Control

The second Noah mentally muted the system, I rushed back to Noah's mental space to checked what the gods were saying.

And the first thing I saw was a tall, serpentine figure watching me with amusement.

The Serpent God?!

Oh, fuck me.

The god tilted his head, his slit-like green eyes gleaming into me.

Then, to my absolute horror, he stared at how Noah continued staring rigidly while the assassins in front of him stood huddled in a corner, scared of what this 'boy' would do.

Nodding in approval, he said.

"Noah's split personality only makes me like him more," the god murmured. "Obviously, I will not disclose this truth to the boy."

I wanted to cry.

I wanted to scream.

I wanted to ask him why the fuck he thought this was a good thing.

But I didn't.

Because Noah, the clueless bitch, simply stood there, rubbing his temples, unaware of how badly he had fucked his own ass.

I sighed internally.

At least for now, he wouldn't know.

Not until the fight was over and he returns to his mental space, finding a freakin Godly humanoid Serpent sipping on tea.

Yes.

I just had to shove this weird entity out before that happens—

…How hard could it be?

***