The Accidental Necromancer

“You know,” Jill said, “I don’t really believe you.”

“If I was going to lie to you, I could have done it more simply. I could have just said the basement is full of spiders.”

She shuddered. “Don’t even.”

“It is a basement, after all.”

“Stop! No spiders!” She paused. “You still haven’t explained the gun.”

I was happy to stall some more. “So, the world we are about to go in – the gate to that world, anyway – doesn’t allow guns through. Or combustion engines. And that gun lies at the edge of the gate.”

“Okay.”

“So, I want to see if the gate area is increasing, and if so, will it push the gun out of the way. Or, alternately, will the presence of the gun stop it.” The last hadn’t actually occurred to me. But if it did, I could line the basement with old lawnmowers and maybe stop the gate entirely. Or maybe it would just take on a weird shape, oozing around the contraband kind of like Lesseth oozed around my –

“It might be growing?”

I shrugged. “It might be,” I said. “I’m trying to find out. If it’s growing, it’s not doing so very fast. Ready?”

“As ready as I’ll be.”

I reached for her hand. “First, we’ll walk just past the gun. Keep even with me.”

“Okay.”

We walked forward, into the magic zone, and I transformed.

Her eyes got as big as saucers. “You’re – little!”

“Well, smaller, anyway.” The robe didn’t fit me so well, as Abby.

“But that’s impossible.”

“Conservation of Energy? Matter? Whatever? Maybe there’s a third thing, called magic, and the real law of conservation covers all three. Or maybe that law just doesn’t apply in Amaranth.”

“Amaranth.”

“The other world.”

“But we’re not there.”

“Its rules apply, for this little bit of up here. Magic works. Some tech doesn’t, or at least it can’t enter.”

“Whatever is going on, I’m seeing it with my own eyes,” Jill said. “Glad I brought my glasses.”

The glasses are kind of cute. And this one has some cushion for the pushin’, doesn’t she?

I ignored Enash. “Shall we?”

We walked to the stairs, and entered Amaranth proper.

Inka was already up, making coffee. She was wearing an apron she’d bought, with Gren’s help, that said “Hot Stuff Coming Through” and in smaller letters, “And I don’t mean the food.” Other than that she just had leather shorts. The other orcs were snoozing away, and so was Gren. Valeria had moved her bed out to the annex, but Gren liked to keep an eye on the orcs.

“Good morning, Queen Abby,” Inka said.

“Good morning Inka. And no reason for the queen.”

“Drag queen,” Jill muttered, so that only I could hear. “And who is Inka? You didn’t tell me about her. She’s green!”

“She works for me,” I said. “Inka, Jill. Jill, Inka. Jill is a human like me, from my world. Inka is an orc.”

“Very pleased to meet you, ma’am,” Inka said.

Gren woke up. She was a very light sleeper. She sat bolt upright, the covers coming off her torso and baring her blue chest. “Jill?” she asked. She looked around, and spotted her. “Jill! I love your salacious selfies! You’re an inspiration!”

“I what?” Jill said, staring at Gren’s chest.

“Salacious selfies,” Gren repeated. “Fantastic photos. Titillating texts.”

“Those were supposed to be private,” Jill said.

“Accidents happen, especially when you’re juggling two worlds. I had to loan her my phone, once.”

Gren grinned. “You have nothing to be ashamed of, Jill. Let me get up. I’ll get dressed.” Gren threw the rest of the covers off her, and headed, naked, for the chest of drawers that had her clothes.

“Jill, Gren. Gren is a troll.”

“Orcs and trolls,” Jill repeated, looking a bit stunned. “And you said I had to wear clothes.”

“Well. Yes.”

Jill pointed to Kendala. “Is that Xyla?”

“No, I said. That’s Kendala, and she’s another orc who helps me out. Xyla is a dryad, and she’s in the forest.”

“Of course. And Lesseth?”

“Lesseth is a slime demon.” There just was no sugar coating this stuff. “Mind if I get dressed?”

Jill shook her head. “Uh, go right ahead.”

I didn’t bother with underwear. I slipped off the robe and pulled on a black dress, with lace fringes and bare shoulders. I knew Jill was watching, and I didn’t try to conceal myself; instead, I purposely pivoted so she got a bit of a view from all angles, while trying to make it seem natural. It was easier to show than to explain.

“It’s small now,” Gren said. “But it gets enormous.”

“What does?” Jill asked.

“Her –”

“So,” I said quickly, “This is a magic bag of holding, that’s bigger on the inside than it is on the outside. Lesseth?”

Lesseth popped out of the bag. Her shoulders don’t quite fit, in her human shape, so there’s a moment when her body sort of squeezed unnaturally, but other than that the effect is a little bit like a stripper popping out of a giant cake, if the stripper were the color of blood. “Good morning, my wife!”

“Wife?” Jill said.

“Gah. In my defense, Jill, there’s been an awful lot to explain here.”

“Are they all – married to you?” She looked around to include Kendala and Inka.

“No. Just Xyla, Lesseth, Gren, and Valeria.”

“Oh,” Jill said. “Just four of them.”

“I am hers by right of conquest,” Lesseth said proudly. “She slew my husband!”

“What the flaming fuck!” Jill exclaimed.

“Hey, that’s a good one!” Gren said. “Nice alliteration, Jill!”

“In my defense,” I said, “her husband was evil and kidnapped my next-door neighbor.”

“He was horrible,” Lesseth agreed. “Also not very good in bed. Or against a wall. I’m glad he’s dead, and that Abby killed him.”

“Abby,” Jill repeated.

“Well, it’d be pretty odd being called Abel and looking like this, wouldn’t it be?” I asked rhetorically.

“Uh-huh.”

“There’s no way I can explain it all,” I said. “Not in a weekend. I’ll do my best, but I’ll miss things.”

“A few marriages…”

“I’m sorry.”

“It slipped your mind.”

“Compared to worrying about how you’d feel about my non-human girlfriends, and a gate between the world, yeah, marital status didn’t seem the highest priority.”

Jill took a breath. There was a long pause, and then she said, “Yeah. I can see that. Okay, Abel. Abby. Pronouns?”

“She/her. Except on Earth, where it’s he/him.”

“Naturally. Okay. Getting my bearings. Slowly.” She looked around. “You know, this place looks like it was very austere. Like a tomb or a church or something.”

I took a deep breath. “Yes. So, this place was built to imprison an evil necromancer.”

Heh! I love being called evil.

“And, um, where is he now?”

“Trapped inside my body. See, he had this notion that he could use a human soul to get out, so he built the gate in pieces so he could push them out to Earth, and I put it together thinking it was just a jigsaw puzzle. But when I fell through, I ended up in charge of his body. Or the body that he had created to house himself. This body.”

“No offense, Abby, but you look like an otaku’s wet dream.”

“Exactly. Anyway, I’m in charge, but he jabbers at me now and then.”

Jabber! I pontificate. I orate. I monolog!

“Because magic,” Jill said.

“Sure. I don’t have a better explanation. Anyway, Enash, the evil necro, couldn’t get out of the tomb because of wards, but I can. We’re actually in the middle of a forest.”

“Show me?”

“Sure. But since I inherited necromancy powers, and we fought a whole bunch of orcs recently, there’s a bunch of zombies outside.”

Jill pinched herself.

“Yeah,” I said. “I feel the same way sometimes. Come on.”

We exited the tomb into the annex I’d built. Valeria was off in a side room, and we didn’t disturb her as we made our way to the second door.

I opened it onto a vista of green leaves, flowers, and zombies. Lesseth and Gren followed us outside. Jill looked around with the air of someone who doesn’t know where to look.

I let her look, and gave a few zombies orders to pick up planks and take them to the troll village. Life as usual, in other words. Jill watched the shambling undead, and then turned her eyes to me.

“You make a very sexy girl, Abel,” Jill said. “You’d make a straight girl jump the fence, I think.”

I chuckled. “And you’re not exactly straight.”

“Nope. If you had told me that – well, you know.”

“That you’d be watching zombies and ogling a futanari? My eyes are up here, Jill.”

“Sorry. Not sorry. I mean, you do it to me.”

“Stare at your chest? I never!”

Jill laughed, because she knew my denial wasn’t serious.

“It’s not just that I was created with a killer body,” I told her. “But actually, my sexual attractiveness is magically enhanced by an ability I have. You’re probably under the influence of that, and I can’t turn it off.”

Jill smirked. “Not to brag or anything.”

I shrugged.

“Abby is the buxom best,” Gren said proudly.

“Also,” Lesseth said, beaming, “She killed my –”

“Yes, yes,” I said hurriedly.

“You’re not saying that I have no choice but to be into you, are you?” Jill asked.

“No. I don’t think that’s the way it works.”

Jill nodded. “Damn, you’re hot. I can easily believe that there’s some kind of magic at play – especially having seen real live zombies.”

“And a real live slime demon,” Lesseth said. “Abby says I can’t even go into your world or that maybe I’d disintegrate.”

“Ugh,” Jill said. “I’m sorry.”

“What are you sorry for? You didn’t do it.”

“It’s a – not that kind of sorry. I’m just saying I’m sympathetic.”

Lesseth shrugged. “Don’t feel sorry for me. I’ve been conquered by a beautiful necromancer. Does it get better than that? I mean, when I was a little girl I always imagined I might end up with someone good looking, or someone with great evil powers, but both!”

I popped my line trimmer out of the bag. Jill’s attention was diverted. I’d forgotten how strange it was to be able to pull something four feet long out of a bag that was less than a foot deep. But that was the way my new life was – it didn’t fit into an Earth box, and it was full of wonder. And sometimes, danger.

I attached a battery to the line trimmer and gave it a rev. I had come to the conclusion that rather than trickling information to Jill so that she wouldn’t be overwhelmed, it was better to just show her everything all at once. Being overwhelmed was just a natural reaction, and there were strangenesses I’d rather not have her focus on, like Lesseth’s whole you-killed-my-husband-now-I’m-yours thing.

“Okay,” Jill said, “Of all the weird things, you pulling that thing out of your bag just to turn it on, but not actually do anything with it, that might be the weirdest. Or is that some kind of strange magical wand in the shape of a power tool?”

I smirked. “Kind of. It summons dryads.”

Xyla must not have been far away, because in a few minutes she walked into the clearing. She had a lovely white flower in her hair, and as usual, she was naked except for a few strategically placed leaves.

She sauntered in like she owned the place, which I guess she sort of did since we were outside, and then kissed me hard, pressing her body against mine with exaggerated sensuality. “Hi, there, Abby. Are we having an orgy?”

“Um, no? I just wanted you to meet –”

“Jill!” she said, turning to the one person she didn’t know. “I’m so happy to meet you!” She hugged the startled Jill, giving her ass a quick squeeze in the process. “I didn’t know that Abel was going to bring you.”

“How do you know who I am?” Jill asked.

“Well, I’ve seen pictures. I almost didn’t recognize you with your clothes on!”

I groaned, and Jill glared at me. “Important Amaranth tip,” I said. “If you want anything kept a secret, don’t tell Gren.”

“That’s not true,” Gren objected. “I keep secrets when they matter. I just don’t keep them when they’re silly. Jill has a resplendent rack – why should it be a secret? It’s like you trying to pretend you don’t have a colossal cock.”

“It didn’t look that big to me,” Jill said.

“Oh, it gro –” Gren started, but was silenced because it was her turn to get a Xyla hug, which involved lips and tongues too.

“Grows,” Lesseth said. She held her hands about a foot apart.

“That big?” Jill said.

“Hey,” I said. “I’m right here.”

“Well,” Lesseth said reasonably, “If we are going to talk about it behind your back, we should be willing to talk about it in front of our faces. I mean your face. Sorry, had an image there.”

“Now I have an image, too,” Jill said.